View Full Version : Funny Stuff!

Mr. Goat
06-29-2003, 12:15 PM
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
One US leader.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
Because Janet Reno is her real father.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a
room together?
100 people who don't do dick.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche ?
A porcupine's pricks are on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi ?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
To a different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
That they're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage and "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO"!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time...", but a southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

My, my, how times have changed! Years ago,when 100 white men chased one black man, they called it the Ku Klux Klan; today they call it the PGA TOUR.

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.


06-29-2003, 12:44 PM
Thanks mailman I needed this :rofl: :rofl:

06-30-2003, 04:58 AM
Tricking a Nun

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

06-30-2003, 05:08 AM
A man comes home from work, thinking no one else is home yet. As he puts down his briefcase and hat, he hears a faint moaning coming from his oldest daughter's bedroom. Not quite sure what's going on, he tiptoes down the hallway and gently pushes open the door, only to find his daughter on her back on her bed, eyes closed, using a dildo and on the verge of orgasm. Shocked, he blurts out, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" Visibly shaken, she quickly grabs a sheet to cover herself and yells at him to get out and close the door while she puts on some clothes.

Her father sits in the living room, appalled that his beautiful daughter would pleasure herself in this manner. The daughter comes out and admonishes her dad for not knocking before entering, and then says, "Look I'm 25 years old, I don't have a boyfriend, I've never had a boyfriend, and I probably never will have a boyfriend. But I have needs, and I have to take care of them, you know?" Her father says, "Listen you just haven't had much luck with boyfriends. I'm sure you'll get one soon." She replies, "No, Dad. It's just not in the cards. I'll never ever get married. That's all. I'm sorry to disappoint you."

A few weeks later, the daughter comes home early one afternoon to find her father sitting on the living room couch, with a gin and tonic in one hand, and the dildo in his other hand, watching TV. "Dad!" she yells out. "What in God's name are you doing?" The father casually looks over his shoulder at her and says, "What does it look like? I'm having a drink with my son-in-law."

Ohh... Hi everybody... nice to be here :D Love the smilyes milkman

06-30-2003, 05:11 AM
welcome to the board webmistress.......:whip:

06-30-2003, 05:12 AM
rofl @ these jokes posted

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and got on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said , "If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
After thinking for a short while he replied, "Could you hold my camel?"


There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

06-30-2003, 05:13 AM

A beautiful young woman gets out of the shower, wraps a towel around her form and tells her husband that he can get in the shower. As he enters the shower, the doorbell rings.

The wife says she'll get the door and goes downstairs.

When she opens the door, she sees her neighbor, Bill, whose mouth opens wide at the sight of her shimmering form.

He pulls out two one hundred dollar bills and tells her that they are hers if she will just let the towel fall to her waist.

She thinks why not and drops the towel down and takes the money.

Bill gasps at the sight and shows her two more hundreds and offers them if she will just let the towel go altogether.

She thinks she has come this far so what the heck and drops the towel to the ground.

Bill looks for a minute, thanks her and leaves.

When she got back upstairs, her husband had completed his shower and asks her who was at the door. She says just Bill.

The husband replies, "Did he say anything about the $400 he owes me?"

06-30-2003, 05:14 AM
A noted therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex. To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people, and goes down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear.

"Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no. "Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year".

The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?"

The man answers, "Tonight's the night!"

06-30-2003, 05:16 AM
A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

06-30-2003, 05:17 AM
Originally posted by Baxter
welcome to the board webmistress.......:whip:

Thank you Baxter... I only joined for you to get another place to stalk me :help:

06-30-2003, 05:23 AM
Originally posted by webmistress
Thank you Baxter... I only joined for you to get another place to stalk me :help:

ya but you like it baby doll :pimp2:

06-30-2003, 05:27 AM
Originally posted by Baxter
ya but you like it baby doll :pimp2:

Wouldn't want it any other way :D Guess there is a bit of self punishment going on :what:

By the way... smilyes are guys right (?) what's up with the (_(_) F****** smilyes ???.. Gotta love those !

06-30-2003, 05:29 AM
ya that one is for mail man he loves the cock lol

:2gay: :2gay: :2gay:

06-30-2003, 05:30 AM
Originally posted by Baxter
ya that one is for mail man he loves the cock lol

:2gay: :2gay: :2gay:

Sounds kinky... but please spare me the details :D

06-30-2003, 05:37 AM
Originally posted by webmistress
Sounds kinky... but please spare me the details :D

Ya Ya Ya:eatme:

06-30-2003, 05:40 AM
Originally posted by Baxter
Ya Ya Ya:eatme:

Damn you are one sick puppy Baxter *LMAO*


Prozac Virus:
Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

Viagra Virus:
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

Monica Lewinsky Virus:
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about
what it did.

Kenneth Starr Virus:
Competely examines every aspect of your computer, then compiles a
complex report that discredits every aspect of your computer.

Spice Girl Virus:
Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

Ronald Reagan Virus:
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus:
Terminates and stays dormant, but it vill be baaaaack.

Mike Tyson Virus:
Quits after two bytes.
Spits everything out.

Oprah Winfrey Virus:
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands
to 200 MB.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus:
Searches for old files and deletes all of them.

Ellen Degeneres Virus:
Disks can no longer be inserted.

Another version of Ellen Degeneres Virus:
Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.

Titanic Virus:
Makes your whole computer go down.

Disney Virus:
Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

Joey Buttafuoco Virus:
Only attacks minor files.

Sharon Stone Virus:
Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.

Tim Allen Virus:
Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.

Woody Allen Virus:
Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

Lorena Bobbit Virus:
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it
through Windows.

Saddam Hussein Virus:
Won't let you into any of your programs.

George Michaels Virus:
Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.

X-files Virus:
All your icons start shape shifting.

AT&T Virus:
Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

and finally...

Clinton Virus:
Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory.

06-30-2003, 05:43 AM
Originally posted by webmistress
AT&T Virus:
Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

Ain't that the truth lol great stuff doll

and no im not a sick puppy lol

Mr. Goat
10-16-2003, 06:04 PM
best thread ever!

10-16-2003, 07:04 PM
Got my laugh for the day :)

10-17-2003, 02:06 AM
im done with laughing.. bout to shit on my pants from laughter