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esham
02-10-2004, 04:44 AM
Posts your funny jokes or videos.

esham
02-10-2004, 04:47 AM
I will start it off http://www.reelizmvideo.com/pimp/1523.wmv

anamorphosis
02-10-2004, 04:57 AM
After many years, a young Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family.

"But-- where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.

"Mama," he replies, "In America, nobody wears a beard."

"But at least your keep the Sabbath," mama asks.

"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath."

"But kosher food you still eat?", asks mama.

"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher."

The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, "Isaac, tell me, are you still circumcised?"

anamorphosis
02-10-2004, 05:01 AM
The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.

"NO !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

esham
02-10-2004, 05:06 AM
Magic Vibrator
A women's husband was going on a navy assignment for 9 months. she was upset about not having sex for 9 months so her friend mentioned that she should by a vibrator.

so the next day she went to a sex shop and asked the employees which vibrator she should buy. they pointed to a wooden one but told her to many customers complained about splinters and that when they thought about that was actually returned, then they pointed to a glass one. they mentioned how it tends to break after awhile and can result in pain.

then the women pointed out to a pink vibrator in a glass case and asked "what about that one?" after discussing it for awhile the cashier agreed that she could buy it "okay, this is a magic vibrator. to get it to work say ""magic vibrator my...."" and add in where you want the vibrator to go." she moved her head in understandment and quickly bought it and left.

while driving home she could wait no longer. she said "magic vibrator my shoulders" it was messaging her shoulders it felt so good she had to go further "magic vibrator my pussy!" she screamed ad the vibrator went into her pussy. she then had an orgasm and crashed into the back of a parked cop car. the cop got out and asked the women to roll down her window. "what were you doing?" the cop asked. and she said quickly "well there was this magic vibrator and it uh well it gave me an orgasm and I crashed, it was the magic vibrators fault!" the cop looked at her and laughed. "your telling me that a magic vibrator caused you to crash?" "yup" responded the lady. to which the cop responded, "hahaha magic vibrator my ass!"

anamorphosis
02-10-2004, 05:08 AM
LOL that's a old joke, but it still funny :)

anamorphosis
02-10-2004, 05:08 AM
Three smiling corpses are lying in the morgue and Detective Owens goes to the coroner to find out the cause of death. The coroner points to the first man.

"This one is Quint," he says. "He died of shock after winning a $20 million lottery."

On to the second man. "This is Jon. You know Judi?"

Owens nodded.

"He died of a heart attack while having a little oral sex with her."

Finally, down to the last corpse. "This is Amanpreet. He died after being struck by lightening."

"But, Doc, why's he smiling?"

"Because the bonehead thought he was getting his picture taken."

esham
02-10-2004, 05:29 AM
nice jokes

A guy gets an urgent call from the hospital telling him his wife has been in a car accident, so he rushes over.....

When he arrives the doctor tells him she's suffered a blow to the head and is in a coma.

The guy is distraught, so the doctor takes him aside and says "In some cases we've found that performing oral sex can cause coma patients to revive"

The guy is a bit skeptical but the doctor tells him to go on into her room and perform oral sex....

So the guy goes into her room....

A few minutes later the woman's life support alarm goes off....

The doctor and an emergancy medical team rush into the room and find the man standing at the head of the bed.

"What happened ?!" shouts the doctor

"I think she choked" replied the guy

anamorphosis
02-10-2004, 05:34 AM
Last Judgment


Saint Peter was at the gates of Heaven interviewing this man. He said, "You haven't done anything bad, but you haven't anything good either. If you tell me just one good thing that you've done, I'll let you in."
"Well," the man replied, "I was traveling on the road when I saw a group of thugs robbing a woman. So I went up to them and shouted for them to stop. Unfortunately, things got a little out of hand and I ended up punching out their leader. Then I challenged everyone else of the group to fight me."
"Wow," Saint Peter said, "That is good. When did it happen?"
"About 2 minutes ago."

esham
02-10-2004, 05:43 AM
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$101,237.64."

The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"

The Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook.

Then I sold him a medium fish hook.

Then I sold him a larger fish hook.

Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

The Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

Manowar
02-10-2004, 01:39 PM
MEMORANDUM RE: Computer Software Warning Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the productbrochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 8.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0. - A 'Don't remind me again' button - Minimize button - An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources. - An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful. I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with GirlFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install GirlFriend 2.0 on top of GirlFriend 1.0. You must uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of GirlFriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for GirlFriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing that sucks - all versions of GirlFriend continually pop up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0 ***** BUG WARNING ******** Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources. *** BUG WORK-AROUNDS *************** To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have beenknown to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

cool1
02-10-2004, 02:15 PM
Ya don't want me to start posting jokes.
I have a couple hundred of them just itching to be posted.
lol...lol

esham
02-10-2004, 03:56 PM
One day four nuns are called to the priests chambers. The priest tells the nuns that since they have been good and have upheld the standards of the church, they can do whatever they want for 24 hours.
After 24 hours, the priest calls the nuns back in and asks what they did. The first nun says, ''I had sex with two men at one time.''

The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.'' The second nun tells the priest, ''I robbed a bank for $25,000.''

The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.''

The third nun tells the priest, ''I killed a woman that I have wanted dead all my life.''

The priest says, ''Quickly drink the holy water and God will forgive you.''

The priest said to the fourth nun, ''Okay, what sin did you commit.''

The fourth nun says, ''I pissed in the holy water.'''

anamorphosis
02-10-2004, 04:51 PM
Originally posted by cool1
Ya don't want me to start posting jokes.
I have a couple hundred of them just itching to be posted.
lol...lol
Hundred of jokes = hundred of post :cool:

anamorphosis
02-10-2004, 04:51 PM
JD's Tours

More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay
$10,000 apiece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian
police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on
Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian
camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore
mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available."
Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six
million dollars.

Manowar
02-10-2004, 04:53 PM
Originally posted by anamorphosis
JD's Tours

More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay
$10,000 apiece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian
police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their "next vacation on
Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts. Ride a Martian
camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore
mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available."
Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six
million dollars.

true story ?

anamorphosis
02-10-2004, 04:54 PM
Lol I don't think so